Okay, I’m done. I just can’t do it. This movie is the worst thing to happen to dinosaurs since the meteor hit.
Though I regularly argue that most movies would be significantly improved by adding scenes of dinosaurs eating children, Jurassic Park 3 is the one of those rare examples where it would have actually made sense. I mean having Jake Lloyd get disemboweled by a T-Rex would have made Star Wars: The Phantom Menace a lot more tolerable, but it also would have ruined the set-up for the original trilogy (something the prequels managed to do even without dinosaurs eating any of the main characters…go figure).
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I knew I was in trouble right from the opening scene, because it’s the exact same scene from Carnosaur. They literally just took the footage from that movie and used it for this one. In fact, the entire movie is made up of re-used footage from the Carnosaur series. It’s like someone pouring vomit on your cereal and calling it diarrhea. Well fuck that. I don’t have the pain resistance to sit through this horrible shit again. I could make a better dinosaur movie in my backyard with plastic toys and ketchup.
Fuck Raptor.
“Excuse me, sir, but I really don’t think any one of these soldiers have been trained in hand to hand combat with a dinosaur.”
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First things first. As slow and dull as Carnosaur may be, the film does have some amazing themes running through it. Dinosaurs eating hippies? Hell yeah! Honestly, what could be better? How about a mad scientist who plans on wiping out the entire human race so that her genetically engineered dinosaurs can reclaim the earth? She attempts this by infecting people with a fatal virus which causes them to lay dinosaur eggs before dying. Just typing that out made me hard. How could a movie with so many great ideas be so damn boring?
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I have a bunch of shitty dinosaur movies to watch, so fuck it. Might as well make it a marathon. No, I won’t be watching Jurassic Park 1 or 2. I’m sick of those fucking movies. Jurassic Park is just an hour of waiting for the dinosaurs to show up, and then another hour of waiting for the dinosaurs to eat those fucking kids. The only good part is the guy getting eaten while taking shit. That, and Newman getting the poison bukkake from the dilophosaurus. -And the huge piles of dino-shit. Alright, Jurassic Park is pretty rad. I’m still not going to watch it again. Why would I do that when I have the shitty Carnosaur series to look forward to?
He knows the score.
Nude Nuns With Big Guns is an exploitation/revenge movie about a lesbian nun who goes around shooting bikers and corrupt priests in the head (digitally). It’s also boring and lame, and tries too hard to be a Robert Rodriguez-style grindhouse flick. Even the opening score is a shameless knockoff of the main theme from Planet Terror.
I just read this comic while taking a shit and it was pretty damn awesome. The comic, I mean. It’s all about Judge Dredd fighting aliens. This is what the sequel to Dredd should be.
I picked up this turd at my local video basement for $1 because the back promised “Bone blasting spine shattering action!”, and that’s exactly what I got. The very first scene is a badass karate battle between a mulletted car thief and a fat, middle-aged man in a bathrobe. Rest assured, bones were blasted. At this point I’m still wondering if my money would have been better spent on some Wendy’s spicy chicken nuggets.
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