Black History Month

Alright suckas, it’s Black History Month, ya dig? It’s time to watch some slammin’ black action flicks.

Some will be tight and outta sight, and others just won’t be right, but all I know is that I’m not racist. I have tons of black friend.

Anyway, get ready for some shit.

Judge Stallone

I’m not gonna lie, I like this movie. It may be nothing compared to Dredd, and say what you want about the comics or the helmet coming off or whatever else, but the fact remains that Stallone takes care of business in this movie. He shoots criminals, fights mutant cyborgs, rides around on a flying motorcycle, and even puts up with early-90’s Rob Schneider. He also yells a lot, almost as much as the film’s terrible villain Rico.

It may not be a good Judge Dredd film, but it’s a cool Judge Stallone film at least. People seem to confuse this film with Demolition Man, a movie mostly remembered for its lack of toilet paper, but I think this is way better. Did I mention it has mutant cyborgs?

Rad.

DREDD

Dredd was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen in the theater since that time I was in the arcade playing the shitty Terminator Salvation game and happened to glance over at the lobby just in time to see some old lady fall flat on her face, spilling her popcorn dramatically. It was awesome, but not as awesome as Dredd.

Star Kid

Remember Timmy, that annoying little kid from Jurassic Park who you couldn’t wait to get eaten by raptors? Well guess who has his own movie!

The Guyver

This is the sci fi epic that put Mark Hamill on the map. The first scene of the movie is an Asian scientist transforming into a humanoid fish-monster and then having his skull crushed in by the ugly biker from Weird Science. It’s a hell of an intro, but sadly the rest of the film was shit.

Frankenfish

With a title like ‘Frankenfish’, this movie should have been about a mad marine biologist sewing together different aquatic animals to make monstrous new creations. That would have been fucking awesome. You could have a school of piranha with lobster claws or fuck nevermind, they already did that with Sharktopus. Dammit.

Humanoids From The Deep (Monster)

This movie is badass. Less than 10 minutes a little kid gets dragged under the waves, which turn blood red, and then his crying dad explodes. Well, his boat explodes. He doesn’t spontaneously combust, though that would have been even cooler. It has sea monsters, tits, people getting their faces ripped off, people getting their limbs torn off, huge 70’s neck-collars, more tits, sea monster sex, and racism. Plus another dog gets eaten.

Hammerhead (SharkMan)

My favorite part of this movie is when a scientist is complaining that the monster is out of control, then immediately sticks his hand in the tank for no reason and screams in surprise when his fingers are bitten off. Actually, nevermind. My favorite part was when it was over.

Loch Ness Terror

Another goddamn dinosaur movie. Lochness Terror (Beyond Loch Ness) is the story of Nessie swimming from Scotland to Michigan via subterranean tunnels so she can lay her eggs and eat bad actors. Seriously, the teenagers in this movie were so stupid and annoying I was half-expecting Jason Voorhees to show up instead of the plesiosaurs. Despite some dumb characters and C-grade CGI, this movie was actually fairly decent for a lake monster movie.

Octopus 2: River of Fear

Ahhhh, no more fucking dinosaurs. After Theodore Rex left me crying in the shower, I decided to give up on the entire genre and just move on to some good old-fashioned sea monsters. That brings us to Octopus 2: River of Fear, a movie that is actually way more badass than it should be.