I saw Pitch Black in theaters when I was 10 years old, and though the movie was and is 100% badass, I remember thinking even then that it was missing a few things. Namely, tits, space motorcycles, and alien puppies. Luckily, Vin Diesel thought the same thing, because Riddick has all that and then some.
This movie should have been great. It literally combines two of my favorite things; babes and guns. Guns are like big metal penises, and babes are …well, babes. It should have been a recipe for radness, but sadly fails to do anything but annoy me.
Today my Grandma asked me “Bruce McPain, what’s your favorite movie?”, and I only had one answer; Robocop, or maybe Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky. This movie cannot be summed-up with words. It would be like trying to describe a great white shark to someone who’s only seen goldfish. The back of the DVD proclaims the film “The greatest Hong Kong martial arts action revenge gore-soaked prison breakout love story cult film of 1991 ever put on DVD!!!”, but that’s being too modest. This movie has rad like tigers have stripes.
A bunch of people at a party are sliced in half by a cable, then later a sexy ghost gets her tits out and a dude falls down an elevator shaft trying to squeeze them. That’s literally all I remember, and I just watched it last night.
Movie = 4/10
Ghost tits = 7/10
Volcano is rad. Not only is it essentially 104 minutes of Tommy Lee Jones yelling at people, it also has one of the greatest tag lines ever; THE COAST IS TOAST. The movie is about a volcano erupting beneath Los Angeles, and shit gets wrecked. The tar pits explode with lava and giant lava bombs fly through the air setting fire to office buildings, houses, cars, and hospital patients. Dudes get burned and melted, lesbians gets swallowed up by great steam-spewing chasms (Freudian), buildings get demolished, and 2 characters get poorly developed.
Speaking of poorly developed, (boob jab), Tommy Lee Jones’ daughter in this movie is a useless little bitch who screams constantly and makes her daddy carry her while trying to jump over a pool of lava. She’s 13-years-old for fuck’s sake! If you’re old enough to have pubic hair then you’re old enough to jump your own lava. The man is 50. He ain’t Super Mario. She probably fucked up his back making him carry her, the selfish little shit. Also, I just Googled the actress, and …wow.
I guess we can’t all age as well as Tommy Lee Jones.
Speaking of lava bombs, BM’s gotta go BM. McPain out.
Giant robots punching giant alien monsters that rise out of the sea. Fuckin’ rad, dude. This movie was awesome. It had so many good ideas and answered a lot of questions I’ve always had when watching kaiju movies, like what happens to the huge monster corpse left rotting in the middle of a city? Well, in Tokyo they built a kaiju-worshipping church using the monster’s skeleton as a frame. Kaiju brains, blood, bone powder, and even their parasites are sold on the black market.
The kaiju were all awesome. Some had brutally lethal tails, some vomited glowing blue acid, and another looked like a giant mutant lobster. Just when I thought the movie couldn’t get any more badass, a kaiju randomly sprouts wings and drags a robot up toward space. As if that wasn’t rad enough, the robot then whips out a giant fucking sword and starts slicing the monster up. I started tearing up, or so I thought. Turns out it was just testosterone leaking out of my face.
The only bad thing I found about Pacific Rim was the boring, un-charismatic main character. If that ‘not-Channing Tatum‘ guy had been more like-able, the film would be a solid 10. Everyone should go see this.
“This is the end of your rotten life you mothafuckin’ dope pusher!“
Years ago I heard about this movie called Coffy where Pam Grier pulls weapons out of her afro, and I rushed out immediately to buy it. What a fucking disappointment. All she does is stash some razorblades in her hair before a cat fight. I was hoping she’d pull a shotgun out of that thing or something, but no such luck. Maybe I should be making movies.
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What the hell is there to say about this movie?
Despite the box cover and description, the film is mostly about the two villains pulling scams and trying to get out from under a load shark. Wesley Snipes’ tough cop-out-for-revenge is just sort of tacked on, and despite being the film’s lead, he’s the most boring and underdeveloped character. In the end, Boiling Point felt like a decent heist movie rewritten to be a bad cop thriller. Pass on this.
“Her clients think she’s too good to fuck. They call her ‘Colonel Sanders’ ’cause she’s finga-lickin’ good.”
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“I’mma rearrange your plumbin’ so you piss out’chyo mouth.”
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ROBOCRAP 